It has come to my attention that people no longer dread working Sunday nights at our restaurant anymore. The reasoning behind this remained a mystery. Until now. It appears the species native to our country, The Common House Chav (Chavus Chavus) is dying off.
Now, there are several factors contributing to this but it appears the the majority of our favorite retarded underlings have been infected by a disease known as Postponed Maturity Syndrome. Most of us know it as “Growing the fuck up.” Symptoms include the rejection of products branded with Burberry, Nike or Adidas and can also go as far as to shed its summer coat (Tracksuit) earlier than normal. Some astonishing cases even show signs of speaking proper english rather than the preferred dialect of “Wigger”.
We shouldn’t be too worried though. The Common House Chav has been on the decline for the last few years and while we wonder what we would do without the Common House Chav we must ask ourselves: Are we really that bothered?
Besides, it’s probably a temporary decline. Chavs, much like cockroaches, have the uncanny ability to survive almost any disaster or situation. Recent reports from the infamous Hurricane Shazza in the West Midlands showed Chavs going about their normal, inbred business despite damages totalling a mere £30. They are also known for going into hibernation for the winter. However, they do fuck all for the rest of the year anyway so nobody really notices. I am sure once the sun starts warming our country once more, we will feel the wrath of the little Chavlets emerging from their burrows for the first time. Little Mason will have his first shanking and Baby Chardonnay will receive an Argos ring as a coming of age gift.
Until Next Time…
Now for something completely different. As most readers like my rants on Chavs, I decided to try something new, Ladies and Gentlemen. It’s time for Chav Q&A!
“I have lived in Sutton Coldfield for the past twelve years and have noticed small hills of litter on my garden. After looking it up on the Internet, I think I have a Chav Infestation. I’ve tried everything from removing all the shiny objects out of my garden to setting up a scarecrow dressed as a policeman. Nothing seems to faze them! Any advice?”- Mary, 56, New Oscott.
SHARPY SAYS: Mary, It looks like you have a severe infestation of the Garden Chav. Whilst they appear docile compared to their more common cousins, they are just as dangerous. There is no real method for the removal of the garden chav. Their tendency to stand in one place and drink Carling results in piles of litter known as ChavHills. Some establishments have reported success by playing Classic FM at a moderate volume throughout the premises. The Garden Chavs hearing range is heavily based around RAP (Retards Attempting Poetry) and when they hear music without one of their kind mumbling about fucking bitches and shooting police, they get scared and run off to their local beer garden.
“My pet chav refuses to do any work in the house anymore, preferring to moan about how “Kidnapping is Illegal, Mate” and “I’LL FUCK YOU UP, BLOOD!” It also appears to be getting weaker by the day. I’ve provided it with all the essentials such as Cheap Lager and McDonalds. Why is it dying off?” – Steve, 29, Whitehouse Common.
SHARPY SAYS: Steve, You’re forgetting one thing that chavs need to survive. Make sure it is receiving a daily dosage of the Jeremy Kyle Show and Trisha. These are essential for the Chav mind as it makes them feel better about themselves (Even though they are in the queue to get onto the show to press some unresolved daddy issues.) and therefore more likely to work. A good thrashing often motivates them too! It’s very rare to see domesticated Chavs so let me know how you get on!
I am a taxi driver and whilst driving four chavs around in my Minibus, I accidentally bailed out and the Minibus went into a river. I feel really guilty and am having trouble sleeping. Am I a bad person? – Ahmed, 36, Tamworth.
SHARPY SAYS: Yes! You’re a terrible person for doing that! A minibus could EASILY fit twelve chavs inside! However, I commend you on your efforts.